gwen (gwenix) wrote,
gwen
gwenix

Types of psychotherapists I would like to BEAT WITH A STICK:

1) "Before we start you on any psychotherapy, I'd like to prescribe you some drugs."

Drugs are like crutches. Sometimes when you have a broken foot, or god forbid a missing leg, you will need the crutch. However, if you indiscriminately hand out crutches to every limping person walking in the door prescribing them for a mandatory minimum of six weeks, you are only causing atrophy in the leg with the stumped toe. Please, take the time to figure out what is really going on with me before prescriptions are issued.

I BEAT YOU WITH A STICK!

2) "Tell me about your childhood, let's relate everything back to the events that conspired then."

I know there are many things stemming from my childhood. However, I have not been officially a child for eleven years, and there have been many things that have effected my outlook and my fuckedupedness in that time. There are also many things that just plain are a fundamental misconnection in my head somewhere, having no bearing on environmental causes. I could argue that it's for these latter things I need the most help from a professional, so please stop tying it into my inner child. My inner child is the healthiest part of me.

I BEAT YOU WITH A STICK!

2.5, corrollary) "Tell me about your mother."

Shut up, Freud.

I BEAT YOU WITH A STICK!

3) "Allow me to find the one thing that ties all of your problems into a neat little bundle so that I can charge you an arm and a leg and give you a simple answer to 'fix' you. If this doesn't, then it's your problem for ignoring me."

Excuse me? I think I'm intelligent enough to have entirely separate issues to contribute to my fuckedupedness.

I BEAT YOU WITH A STICK!

4) "Uh huh. Hrmmmm. Tell me more. Ok. Yes. Hrmmmm." *scribble*

Uh, I could replace you with a very small shell script. In fact, I have. Please go away and insert a real human who can HELP ME in your place.

I BEAT YOU WITH A STICK!

This concludes today's segment of Beating You With A Stick Theater.

(For those wondering why this came up, just blame insomnia please. And reading too much Flem Comics. Although, I will point out I've had all of the above psychotherapists at one point or another in my life.)
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