gwen (gwenix) wrote,

Sooner or later I'll get around to answering the questions from the interview meme hack I did... but for now, a "your fears" meme from some local (and recently not local) friends...

What scares you most?

Veins. This is common knowledge, high school friends used to make me freak out by just showing me their arms with veins popping, and I had to get therapy (really) to be able to get blood tests taken in less than 45 minutes. What I've more recently realized is that this is an extension of my fear of my own frailty. My arm breaking really pushed that boundary far, but then it might have also relieved me of some of my fear. At least I hope so.

The one most people don't realize is that I'm also scared that I'll watch all of my friends and family die before I do. This has a very obvious basis in the fact that I lost 30 people in 8 years to murder, suicide, accidents, disease, and other causes. In that time I lost all of my role models. I lost some people very close to me. I never really got over that, and it's caused a lot of feelings of impermanence with all friendships.

What creeps you out the most?

Right now, Flamingoes. Thank you Dan.

Mind you, I like creepy.

What doesn't creep out which might surprise others?

My own death. It's something I accepted as inevitable early on for some odd reason, just about the same time that I realized that the longer I live, the more people I get to watch die. Oddly, this revelation occurred before the cursed 8 years.

What is your most idiotic fear?

Veins. Heh. Without the explanation of the human frailty, it's just bizarre to have this irrational phobia of something we all have. Hell, I still think it's bizarre to have the otherwise explanable phobia manifest itself in such a way. I still have no idea why.

What fear affects you the most in your life?

The fear of getting too close and then losing someone, probably. It's hard to trust anything after you've lost as many people as I have. Their own intentions might be golden, the relationship solid, but circumstances beyond your control can cause them to not be there anymore. It's a betrayal of nature. And I've discovered that one lack of trust inspires more, so I have a resulting lack of trust in general.

Although, it has another effect. For most day to day life affairs, I'm pretty fearless. When you're not afraid of dying, it instills a certain amount of savoir-faire. And it's also instilled a fierce protective streak of my existing friends. So, there is good in the bad... I'm trying to work on expanding the good and trimming the bad. :)

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